run for your life

I ran six miles today.

Normally that would not be a huge deal, but yesterday I had long workout session. I ran 4 miles, biked 14 miles, and swam ¼ mile. I say this for two reasons: The first is so that I can help explain my condition today. The second is so that I can show off a bit. I am training for a triathlon in September which has me covering lots of miles by foot, bike, and water. I don’t break any land speed records, but I do finish the races I enter. I have never been first, but I have never been last either.

Back to today.

So after about a mile or so today, I started to get a tingle in my knee. I am assuming it was because all the running over the last 3 weeks and very little rest. What was apparent was that it annoyed me every time I put my left foot on the ground and I knew that I had a whole bunch more of these steps to go. I could not help but focus all of my concentration on preparing for each step and the discomfort that accompanied it.

Then I realized something.

my wife farts

At least I hope she does…

I can honestly say, after 13 years of marriage, that I have never heard my wife pass gas. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. I have never been a witness to it, but I am not fool enough to think that it doesn’t happen. With as long as she has held them before their secret release, sometimes, I’m sure that they have an odor that would bring grown men and large farm animals to their knees.

When I first realized this, I thought that there was a possibility that she was from another planet. It was like she was some “super hot” space creature that was sent to earth to mate with Tom Cruise, but was given the wrong address. I used stay up late at night and look for her “E.T. phone home” device so that I could bury it in the back yard and trap her with me for eternity.

Turns out she was not a space creature.

race to end your relation’chip’

How long has it been since you have had a chance to play with slot cars?

Its racing made easy. You just get your car in the groove and pull the trigger. You don’t have to steer, you just have to accelerate. You also learn, very quickly, that if you lay off the gas on the tougher parts of the track, you have a better chance to stay on it. If you fall off, you just grab the car and put it back in the slot. It’s that easy. There isn’t much you can do to mess up the fun.

All you have to do is keep it on track.

In all of my years of playing with slot cars, I have never seen anyone have their car leave the track and do nothing about it. They don’t yell at it until it jumps back on. They don’t make fun of it an effort to humiliate it into place. They don’t ignore it until it comes to its senses and returns. They may be gat a bit pissed, but they wipe that CHIP off their shoulder and press on.

never take sides against the family…ever

Let me try to explain the difference between intent and impact as it pertains to parenting.

Vito Andolini came to America and became Vito “Don” Corleone. He was a husband, and a business owner on the outside; and a thief, mob boss, and murderer on the inside. If you follow the story from the beginning; which would require you seeing Godfather 2 as well as 1, you will see that Vito was very concerned for his family and their well being. The things that he did, in most cases, had a positive affect on his family (in his eyes). He appeared to be honorable and upstanding as measured by his provisions. The only problem is that most of them were acquired illegally.

Vito was also a dad.

im a busch league parent

My family and I have always considered ourselves to be theme park connoisseurs.

The Magic Kingdom, Epcot, MGM, Universal, Islands of Adventure, Sea World, Busch Gardens, Cedar Point, etc…

The wife may not look forward to throwing our last few dollars away on $12 soft drinks and $18 ice cream cones; The kids may not love standing in lines with 123,567 sweaty families, all trying to avoid the heat while they wait for the next ride, show, or cardboard pizza substitute; and I definitely don’t appreciate that an automated reminder service has to tell me, over and over again, that “some rides may not be suitable for everyone”, and that no one trusts me to “keep my arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times” and the fact that they think they need to remind me to “take all small children by the hand while exiting the rides”.

We do however like just about everything else. The environment, the excitement, the experiences together.

So…I took my family to Busch Gardens last weekend.

my wifes ‘but’ keeps getting bigger

I have been married for almost 14 years.

To some couples that may seem like an impressive number; to others it isn’t even a dent in their cup of life. I have met people that could not make it to their second year of marriage and I know others that have been together since before I was born. On the flip side I know couples that live a miserable existence regardless of marital tenure of 30 plus years and others that seem like they are living in a constant state of euphoria after only a few years.

Some couples try to give themselves credit simply for sticking it out longer than most people they know. They pay no mind to measuring the happy years vs. the trying ones. They have tricked themselves into believing that the goal is the quantity and not the quality.

That must suck.

I can tell you the secret to having a successful relationship with your wife. Even better, I can do it in one sentence. (Actually, it’s a question). I must warn you, it will challenge you from the time you read it, till the end of your days. It is never too late to implement it, but once you do, your job is never ending. You can start it at any time in your marriage and you can measure its success with little effort. It may not always be easy to see, but it will be simple to stick with it once you recognize its importance. Here it is:

the right of way

In most cases, it is seems to make more sense to make a wrong decision than it is to make a right one.

I think of yellow street lights. It is much easier to keep your foot on the pedal that it’s on; rather than to move it to another one. It seems simpler to press down on the pedal that your foot is already attached to and accelerate your vehicle. It appears harmless to zip through the intersection and press on to your destination before any of those other cars get in your way.

But it’s wrong, isn’t it?

Everyone knows that the yellow light really means: “Hey, you need to get ready to stop, so that we can get ready to get on with plan for the rest of the folks out here.” The cool part is that you know that the rule is there for a reason and you can trust that there is a good chance that nothing bad will come of you following the rules. You will be safe, limit the chances of receiving a citation, and the road rage warriors will have to continue to comb the earth for a different victim to unleash the hideous scent that comes from them showing you what is under their striped tail.