sideline parenting (5 of 18) — picking up chicks

Parenting Advise from the Worlds Greatest Coaches (with a charlie’s house flipper dipper)

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.   —   Casey Stengle (former New York Yankees and Mets manager)

(double negative’s were a big thing back then , I guess)

I realized that I will be given as much levity as Judge ‘Chamberlain’ Haller gave Vincent Gambini when explaining where the heck I am going with this statement as it pertains to parenting children. I can assure you that I will make a point, and that most of you will understand that I am in now way stating that you should teach your kids the finer points of “bar hopping” and “pick up” techniques.

If you care to read on, I will try not to beat around the bush too long.

What is it about the allure of women and their fun parts that made us jump from watering hole to watering hole in search of some cream for our coffee? Think about all of the time, money, and ridiculous”one liners” we went through, all in the name of “nookie”. The late hours, the back twisting dance moves, and the almost irreversible heat damage from hours of over blow-drying your Beverly Hills 90210 hairdo.

The craziest part was, the later it got, the lower our standards would get.

The criteria that outlined the characteristics of your dream girl wind up being less important the closer you get to “last call”. The amount of adult beverages that you consume to increase your liquid courage, while suppressing the pain of the “you have got to be kidding me” glares from your unsuspecting prey, is mind bending. Then you get so desperate that you actually consider dropping all of your dignity, standards, and self respect and try to make a selection out of what is left when the lights come on at 4 a.m. that actually possesses 1/10 th of one of the criteria that you actually set out to connect with when you started your quest for some “hibbidy dibbidy”

So let’s get to that point I promised you I would make about parenting.

To do so, you will need to replace the previous use of the word “woman” with “temptation”, you have to substitute the bar scene with your child’s circle of friends, and you have to remove the idea of you as the inexperienced, desperate for attention, poorly dressed buffoon and insert your child.

Think about the desires of children. Think about how bad they think they want things. Think about the effort they put into getting out of going to bed on time, talk you into more junk food, or to buy them an iPhone. Think about the horrible things that they thought about you because you wouldn’t allow them to stay out past dark, wear all that make-up, or restrict the amount of text messaging they attempt to perform while you are eating diner together as a family.

There really is no difference, is there?

As parents we need to understand that the goal is not to try to remove the temptation from our kids lives. It is teaching them how to deal with them that is the key. Our job is helping them to process the tornado of emotions that they will experience when their primitive desires challenge their spiritual betterment. And at all cost, show them what it looks like to make reasonable decisions in the face of Carlizina Jolectron.

The damage is not done when they get what they wanted. The damage is done when they get in the habit of practicing poor judgment and exercising ridiculousness to get what they wanted. Dignity and self respect make a great ribbon to hold a gold medal around your neck. Without it, you might as well stick it to your chest with bubble gum. And just like the gum, it can seem like a sweet, easy, and quick solution to your dream come true scenario; but what you really will wind up with is a solution that may provide some immediate satisfaction, but will inevitably leave you with a sticky, gooey, inaffective mess that has lost its flavor and will wind up on the bottom of someones shoe.

The finishline is not the challenge, the path that got you there is.

sideline parenting (4 of 18) — plan to wipeout

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with some Charlie shizzle, my bizzle).

Courage is not the abscence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.   —   Pat Riley (Miami Heat Coach)

That reminds me of “Wipeout Tuesdays”.

sideline parenting (3 of 18) — fighting with spears

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House shimmy).

I’ve had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven’t run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can’t outwork you, then smarts aren’t going to do them much good. That’s just the way it is. And if you believe that and live by it, you’d be surprised at how much fun you can have.   — Woody Hayes (former Ohio State football coach)

Britney Spears : Jamie Lynn Spears : Paris Hilton : Lindsey Lohan : Amy Winehouse

Michael Vick : Eminem : Nick Hogan : Steve O : Bam Margera

That sure is some stiff competition, just to name a few…

sideline parenting (2 of 18) — passing the buck

Parenting Advice from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House twist).

“If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That’s all it takes to get people to win.”   — Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant (former University of Alabama football coach)

When your child was born, what the Doctor really wanted to say instead of “IT’S A BOY/GIRL” was…

Surprise, new Dad guy! You have just become the least important person in your life, and the most important person in everyone else’s in your house. You are about to be forced to try to put away your bad habits and immature actions so that you can set a good example for this goop covered, alien looking thing that just shot out of your wife. You have just been selected to pick up where the umbilical chord has left off by providing this bundle of joy with the required and desired elements of life. You have just been made responsible for his/her actions and you should be aware that if they grow up to become a menace to society, you will be the blame, and 1000 camels will run through your tee pee to punish you for your negligence and dis concern. The catch is, that there is no manual to raising this child.

sideline parenting (1 of 18) — how to get lucky

Parenting Advice from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House spin).

“Good luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”   —Darrel Royal (former University of Texas football coach)

How many times have you heard your children use the word “luck”? How often do they described someones good fortune as “lucky”? How quick are they to write off a success story to simple, dumb, “luck”?

I guess the examples are a bit similar to all of us, regardless of our age. We see Bill Gates, Sergey Brin, and Michael Dell and think how lucky they are to be included in the worlds wealthiest people. We watch Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Wayne Gretzky and cant believe how lucky they were/are to play a game for a living. Or, how lucky Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, and Jason Stathem are for having great physiques, and how lucky the author of this blog is for having a smokin’ hot wife.

how to take care of your beaver

Let us be perfectly honest with each other…

Our children do not act the same in our absence as they do in our presence. They have their home behavior and their away behavior. There are certain things that they will try where you cannot see them that they would never dare within an eye-shot of us. I am not telling you that our children are all criminals when we are not watching, but they are most definitely more daring and mischievous. It is not a flaw in their psyche. It is simply hard wired into their existence. Testing limits and boundaries is a part of growing up. Putting control valves on their feelings and emotions is another.

My example:

I am not sure when exactly I started using foul language as a child, I just did.

scrapping you children’s childhood

I am in the process of changing out my son’s room decor.

You see, he is thirteen now and the Ralph Lauren Denim faux finish that I had on the accent wall and beneath the leather chair rail with the accented belt loops from worn out jeans was no longer appropriate. It made no matter that I hand painted every double stitch line between the 24″ sections of perceived fabric. It was inconsequential that I outlined each outlet and switch plate to look like a pocket on the back of your most comfortable pair of Levi’s. Oh did I forget to mention that I made a loft bed for him, with a desk/workspace underbelly, from scratch out of lumber that I hand selected, sanded, and stained from our local home improvement emporium.

spiritual back fat

re-up (rē-ŭp’)

1. To enlist again for service.
2. To sign a renewed contract for employment or service.

There are very few things in life that we don’t have to reenlists in to continue loyal service. Excluding death and taxes, it takes a concerted effort to continue the efforts that it takes to carry on whatever it is that we are involved in. There are specific moments in our everyday lives, that are often unnoticed but clearly defined (usually in hind site), where you decided to “press on” or “give up” on a desire. There is a distinct fork in the road during every one of these journeys that causes us to make a choice as to where our efforts would be better spent.

(I just read that paragraph 3 times and I am not sure that I understand what I just said.)

Let’s try it this way.

that’s what dad’s are faux

Name something that you have never done, have never thought about doing, and could care less if you ever wind up doing it before you die…

For my son it was painting.

I must preface this article by saying that there isn’t anything in, or around a house that I can’t build, fix, or enhance from a do-it-yourself, home improvement perspective. I can change out plumbing fixtures, work on electrical fittings, hang drywall, set tile, hang an entry door, install a garage door opener, set up an irrigation system, install roofing, build furniture, and, oh yeah, paint.

 I would go as far as to say that I am such a good painter, that you may even consider it a “super power”. I work a cutting brush like Dare Devil works his walking stick; I roll better than The Caped Crusader in his Bat-Mobile Whip; and when the mood hits me, I can faux paint in almost any technique known to both human man or altered beast. I have ragged on, ragged off, stripped, sponged, stamped, and Venetian plastered just to name a few. I move fast and I work clean. If I were this super hero, you would probably call me “The Amazazaing Painter Man”, “The Super Spreader”, or maybe just “Michaelangelo Got Nothing on Me Stud”. I would fly around town in a paint pelted smock and ward off  the “White Wall Gang” with the fury of my mighty Corona brushes. All the while having my nemesis (The Evil Dr. Odorless Mineral Spirits) continually attempt to ruin my plans for a world that complements itself like a properly selected accent wall…

bench press your kids

Having a workout partner is a big help when you are trying to achieve your fitness goals.

1. Safety - Your partner can watch your workout, make sure you are using proper form and spot you when lifting during heavy sets.

2. Time - When you set up a time to meet at the gym, your partner is waiting and expecting you to be there. If you train on your own you might find an excuse not to show up.

3. Motivation - When you train together you motivate each other to be the best that you can during that session. A little motivation goes a long way, especially on days that you don’t feel like training.

4. Fun - Having a partner makes the workout more enjoyable. You can joke around and talk about your day which helps stave off the boredom of a workout.

5. Competition - A little healthy competition between you and your partner will likely occur - after all, we are only human.

For better or for worse, in thin times or fat, vow to workout with your partner!

I think that we can all agree that raising children is a bit of a workout. In some cases it seems like it would be easier to just sit around and eat the Bon Bons that life places in front of us as opposed to practicing to eat healthier slices of life. In other cases it seems like it would be easier to sit on the couch of exhaustion that parenting provides you, rather than bench pressing your daily responsibilities. I mean, wouldn’t we all rather sleep in a bed of silence rather than run in the noise of reality?

with all due respect

I worked for a pretty big retail organization for more than half of my professional career.

I will try not to give away the name of the company in the attempt to protect your decision to continue shopping there, if need be. So please understand that if I use the words “home improvement”, “orange apron”, or “The Depot”; it is out of coincidence, and in no way am I trying to give away the fact that I worked for Home Depot for 12 plus years in store management.

With that (not) being said…

Have you noticed that the only people that think you can actually find “excellence in customer service” in these stores are the Depot employees that don’t actually have to perform the service? You know what I mean, don’t you? There are a slew of big shots (that don’t wear the orange aprons with their name Sharpied on them), sitting in a huge conference room (with those cool leather chairs with the gold buttons on them) writing a Standard Operating Procedure (that makes The Bible look like a 2 point AR book) for “helping another human being” figure out where the light bulbs are located in the store.

drawing conclusions

My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
—Clarence Budinton Kelland

One of our more recent trips as, as a family, was to one of the Orlando Florida theme parks.

We usually are very careful of what we spend our money on. We try to stick to the essentials. Churros, soda products, smoothie bars, candy, stupid hats that will never be used again, adult beverages, figurines, stuffed animals, ponchos, fake tattoos, and dip-n-dots. (This list is not all inclusive, but is an excellent indication that even a Floridian can fall victim to the tourist traps we have set for you Northerners).

One thing that my wife and I learned a long time ago is that there is not an artist in the Continental United States that is talented enough to capture our image in the form of a caricature. There have been many-a-men to try; but non up to the challenge. We learned this so early in our relationship that we have saved millions of dollars in failed attempts while protecting the confidence of artists across our great divide.

Then we met a man.

I did not know this man. We will call him “Artist X”. He was confident and cunning at his craft. He was proud and boastful. He even bellowed like one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men when I approached him with a challenge…

the taylor made dad

I have been in the market for some new golf clubs as of late.I am not one of those maniacs that buy and try every new golf club that is supposed to contain the latest and greatest technology. Nor am I a guy that believes that a club can make up for what practice has neglected. I am simply a man that understands that I can find some benefit in upgrading the sticks that I purchased 17 years ago.

When I bought my current clubs I didn’t do a tremendous amount of research. I watched T.V. and looked at the clubs being used by the guys that were making all the money on tour. I made my selection based on the success of guys like Fred Couples and never thought twice about it. I bought them right off the rack with matching woods and a putter and started playing the game.

With those clubs, I learned to putt well and chip decent. My iron shots are high and crisp. I am not out driven very often and sometimes they are even in the fairway. I score well (even when I count every stroke) and I understand the meaning of the game and have respect for its required etiquette. My clubs have treated me well, and in return, I have cared for them.

Now as I shop for my new buddies, I find myself experiencing different challenges.

american idad

Occasionally, I find myself Dad watching.

I look at Dad’s interacting with their kids (or not) and judge their performance. Depending on the kind of day I am having, I can look at the same situation and interpret it in different ways. I try to take everything that is apparent into consideration when forming my opinion. Then there are the unknown factors that play a roll as well. If you are lucky enough to sit next to them in a restaurant or movie, as opposed to a simple breeze by in the mall, you can pretty much figure out the kind of parent they are, regardless of the unknown.

There will be people that will argue the “unknown” factor and tell me “I just don’t understand”. Others will give me a “shame on you for judging”, but here it goes anyway.

Example (the short version):

I’m in a restaurant / a family sits next to me / little girl has no “quiet voice” / Mom yells at her 345,681 times to “be quiet” / girl says “no” half of those times / the other half she just ignores her Mom / the girl orders everything, eats nothing /  the Dad sits on his lazy butt and stuffs his face with his Grand Slam / the girl throws things at her parents / everyone in the restaurant wishes them dead / except of course me, being a Christian and all.

run for your life

I ran six miles today.

Normally that would not be a huge deal, but yesterday I had long workout session. I ran 4 miles, biked 14 miles, and swam ¼ mile. I say this for two reasons: The first is so that I can help explain my condition today. The second is so that I can show off a bit. I am training for a triathlon in September which has me covering lots of miles by foot, bike, and water. I don’t break any land speed records, but I do finish the races I enter. I have never been first, but I have never been last either.

Back to today.

So after about a mile or so today, I started to get a tingle in my knee. I am assuming it was because all the running over the last 3 weeks and very little rest. What was apparent was that it annoyed me every time I put my left foot on the ground and I knew that I had a whole bunch more of these steps to go. I could not help but focus all of my concentration on preparing for each step and the discomfort that accompanied it.

Then I realized something.

never take sides against the family…ever

Let me try to explain the difference between intent and impact as it pertains to parenting.

Vito Andolini came to America and became Vito “Don” Corleone. He was a husband, and a business owner on the outside; and a thief, mob boss, and murderer on the inside. If you follow the story from the beginning; which would require you seeing Godfather 2 as well as 1, you will see that Vito was very concerned for his family and their well being. The things that he did, in most cases, had a positive affect on his family (in his eyes). He appeared to be honorable and upstanding as measured by his provisions. The only problem is that most of them were acquired illegally.

Vito was also a dad.

im a busch league parent

My family and I have always considered ourselves to be theme park connoisseurs.

The Magic Kingdom, Epcot, MGM, Universal, Islands of Adventure, Sea World, Busch Gardens, Cedar Point, etc…

The wife may not look forward to throwing our last few dollars away on $12 soft drinks and $18 ice cream cones; The kids may not love standing in lines with 123,567 sweaty families, all trying to avoid the heat while they wait for the next ride, show, or cardboard pizza substitute; and I definitely don’t appreciate that an automated reminder service has to tell me, over and over again, that “some rides may not be suitable for everyone”, and that no one trusts me to “keep my arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times” and the fact that they think they need to remind me to “take all small children by the hand while exiting the rides”.

We do however like just about everything else. The environment, the excitement, the experiences together.

So…I took my family to Busch Gardens last weekend.

i’m a sooth operator

soothsayer
n : someone who makes predictions of the future (usually on the basis of special knowledge) [syn: forecaster, predictor, prognosticator]

I have the ability to see the future.

The only catch is that what I see just stays there and waits till I arrive before it does anything at all. I can slightly change its outcome by making some adjustments, but I don’t recommend that, due to the severe ramifications that are a result of the attempt to alter the inevitable. I will give you a glance into my minds eye so that you to can behold the absolute a-ma-za-zing power I have acquired.

Acts of Random Kindness… NOT

I took the family to the movies after church today to see “Evan Almighty”.

The movie was great, but this is not a movie review blog. I also must remind myself not to be too creative using bits and pieces from the movie to tell a story as I don’t want to ruin it for anyone that is going to see it soon. If you are reading the poor reviews, ignore them. It’s a very good movie, but for me, surrounded by strange experiences.

the dark side of the force

Did you sympathize with Darth Vader when he was trying to get Luke to see things his way?

Lord Vader was more than a dark, ruthless figure, out to capture, torture, or kill heroes to prevent them from thwarting the Empire. Vader was also a dad. A dad with a son. A son that he thought he knew best about. I like to think that Vader had one of two intentions (one equally as selfish as the other):

1. Ensure his (Vader’s) destiny would be fulfilled

2. To guide Luke to a life that was (in his opinion) equal to, or better than, the one he (Vader) was living