sideline parenting (5 of 18) — picking up chicks

Parenting Advise from the Worlds Greatest Coaches (with a charlie’s house flipper dipper)

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.   —   Casey Stengle (former New York Yankees and Mets manager)

(double negative’s were a big thing back then , I guess)

I realized that I will be given as much levity as Judge ‘Chamberlain’ Haller gave Vincent Gambini when explaining where the heck I am going with this statement as it pertains to parenting children. I can assure you that I will make a point, and that most of you will understand that I am in now way stating that you should teach your kids the finer points of “bar hopping” and “pick up” techniques.

If you care to read on, I will try not to beat around the bush too long.

What is it about the allure of women and their fun parts that made us jump from watering hole to watering hole in search of some cream for our coffee? Think about all of the time, money, and ridiculous”one liners” we went through, all in the name of “nookie”. The late hours, the back twisting dance moves, and the almost irreversible heat damage from hours of over blow-drying your Beverly Hills 90210 hairdo.

The craziest part was, the later it got, the lower our standards would get.

The criteria that outlined the characteristics of your dream girl wind up being less important the closer you get to “last call”. The amount of adult beverages that you consume to increase your liquid courage, while suppressing the pain of the “you have got to be kidding me” glares from your unsuspecting prey, is mind bending. Then you get so desperate that you actually consider dropping all of your dignity, standards, and self respect and try to make a selection out of what is left when the lights come on at 4 a.m. that actually possesses 1/10 th of one of the criteria that you actually set out to connect with when you started your quest for some “hibbidy dibbidy”

So let’s get to that point I promised you I would make about parenting.

To do so, you will need to replace the previous use of the word “woman” with “temptation”, you have to substitute the bar scene with your child’s circle of friends, and you have to remove the idea of you as the inexperienced, desperate for attention, poorly dressed buffoon and insert your child.

Think about the desires of children. Think about how bad they think they want things. Think about the effort they put into getting out of going to bed on time, talk you into more junk food, or to buy them an iPhone. Think about the horrible things that they thought about you because you wouldn’t allow them to stay out past dark, wear all that make-up, or restrict the amount of text messaging they attempt to perform while you are eating diner together as a family.

There really is no difference, is there?

As parents we need to understand that the goal is not to try to remove the temptation from our kids lives. It is teaching them how to deal with them that is the key. Our job is helping them to process the tornado of emotions that they will experience when their primitive desires challenge their spiritual betterment. And at all cost, show them what it looks like to make reasonable decisions in the face of Carlizina Jolectron.

The damage is not done when they get what they wanted. The damage is done when they get in the habit of practicing poor judgment and exercising ridiculousness to get what they wanted. Dignity and self respect make a great ribbon to hold a gold medal around your neck. Without it, you might as well stick it to your chest with bubble gum. And just like the gum, it can seem like a sweet, easy, and quick solution to your dream come true scenario; but what you really will wind up with is a solution that may provide some immediate satisfaction, but will inevitably leave you with a sticky, gooey, inaffective mess that has lost its flavor and will wind up on the bottom of someones shoe.

The finishline is not the challenge, the path that got you there is.

sideline parenting (4 of 18) — plan to wipeout

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with some Charlie shizzle, my bizzle).

Courage is not the abscence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.   —   Pat Riley (Miami Heat Coach)

That reminds me of “Wipeout Tuesdays”.

sideline parenting (3 of 18) — fighting with spears

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House shimmy).

I’ve had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven’t run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can’t outwork you, then smarts aren’t going to do them much good. That’s just the way it is. And if you believe that and live by it, you’d be surprised at how much fun you can have.   — Woody Hayes (former Ohio State football coach)

Britney Spears : Jamie Lynn Spears : Paris Hilton : Lindsey Lohan : Amy Winehouse

Michael Vick : Eminem : Nick Hogan : Steve O : Bam Margera

That sure is some stiff competition, just to name a few…

sideline parenting (2 of 18) — passing the buck

Parenting Advice from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House twist).

“If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That’s all it takes to get people to win.”   — Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant (former University of Alabama football coach)

When your child was born, what the Doctor really wanted to say instead of “IT’S A BOY/GIRL” was…

Surprise, new Dad guy! You have just become the least important person in your life, and the most important person in everyone else’s in your house. You are about to be forced to try to put away your bad habits and immature actions so that you can set a good example for this goop covered, alien looking thing that just shot out of your wife. You have just been selected to pick up where the umbilical chord has left off by providing this bundle of joy with the required and desired elements of life. You have just been made responsible for his/her actions and you should be aware that if they grow up to become a menace to society, you will be the blame, and 1000 camels will run through your tee pee to punish you for your negligence and dis concern. The catch is, that there is no manual to raising this child.

sideline parenting (1 of 18) — how to get lucky

Parenting Advice from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House spin).

“Good luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity.”   —Darrel Royal (former University of Texas football coach)

How many times have you heard your children use the word “luck”? How often do they described someones good fortune as “lucky”? How quick are they to write off a success story to simple, dumb, “luck”?

I guess the examples are a bit similar to all of us, regardless of our age. We see Bill Gates, Sergey Brin, and Michael Dell and think how lucky they are to be included in the worlds wealthiest people. We watch Michael Jordan, Tiger Woods and Wayne Gretzky and cant believe how lucky they were/are to play a game for a living. Or, how lucky Brad Pitt, Ryan Reynolds, and Jason Stathem are for having great physiques, and how lucky the author of this blog is for having a smokin’ hot wife.

bee careful you dont shoot a bird

The time had come for me, very recently, to have “the talk” with my just about to be 14 year old son.

I strategically worked out a plan to spend some alone time with him and create a comfortable environment to discuss the “birds and the bees”. I had it all figured out in my head and I payed very close attention to the timing and the tone and I layed my opening line on him.

Cool Dad: “So how comfortable would you be if we talked about the “birds and the bees” for a bit?”

Awesome Son: “What’s that”

CD: “Sex stuff”

AS: “Fine…I guess”

CD: “Cool”

And off we go…

how to take care of your beaver

Let us be perfectly honest with each other…

Our children do not act the same in our absence as they do in our presence. They have their home behavior and their away behavior. There are certain things that they will try where you cannot see them that they would never dare within an eye-shot of us. I am not telling you that our children are all criminals when we are not watching, but they are most definitely more daring and mischievous. It is not a flaw in their psyche. It is simply hard wired into their existence. Testing limits and boundaries is a part of growing up. Putting control valves on their feelings and emotions is another.

My example:

I am not sure when exactly I started using foul language as a child, I just did.

it’s only 13.1 miles from hooters to church

My wife and I ran a half marathon last Sunday that was sponsored by the Hooters in my home town.

I had no intentions of running this race, as I had spent exactly zero effort training for a race of this distance. My wife, on the other hand did, and I was there to cheer on my sweety pie. (plus she looks hot in her running garb). We got there early enough to give her time to sign in and stretch with plenty of time for us to chat about how cold it was that morning. We kept warm in the car until just before the race and she made her way to the starting line. Somewhere in the middle of that, I decided that I had no idea what I was going to do for two hours while she was gone…

So I signed up an ran the race.

scrapping you children’s childhood

I am in the process of changing out my son’s room decor.

You see, he is thirteen now and the Ralph Lauren Denim faux finish that I had on the accent wall and beneath the leather chair rail with the accented belt loops from worn out jeans was no longer appropriate. It made no matter that I hand painted every double stitch line between the 24″ sections of perceived fabric. It was inconsequential that I outlined each outlet and switch plate to look like a pocket on the back of your most comfortable pair of Levi’s. Oh did I forget to mention that I made a loft bed for him, with a desk/workspace underbelly, from scratch out of lumber that I hand selected, sanded, and stained from our local home improvement emporium.

spiritual back fat

re-up (rē-ŭp’)

1. To enlist again for service.
2. To sign a renewed contract for employment or service.

There are very few things in life that we don’t have to reenlists in to continue loyal service. Excluding death and taxes, it takes a concerted effort to continue the efforts that it takes to carry on whatever it is that we are involved in. There are specific moments in our everyday lives, that are often unnoticed but clearly defined (usually in hind site), where you decided to “press on” or “give up” on a desire. There is a distinct fork in the road during every one of these journeys that causes us to make a choice as to where our efforts would be better spent.

(I just read that paragraph 3 times and I am not sure that I understand what I just said.)

Let’s try it this way.

love has an aftertaste

I have yet to meet a person that actually likes eating Candy Hearts.

Even with that being said; once Valentine’s Day rolls around, I cannot seem escape them. I trip over the pyramids that are stacked to the ceiling of every retail establishment that I enter. I notice them on the counters of hostess stands across our great nation of eateries. I see them on every hard working Americans desk wedged between their Swingline Stapler and the chrome balls clacking on a string swing thing.

I have seen people grab them by the handfuls and transfer them to some alternate location. I have witnessed people fingering through the assortment to find one that perfectly fits their joke-of-the-minute. I have been a bystander and noticed the disappointing look on a persons face that was remiss in remembering what they experienced the last time they plucked one of these candy excuses into their mouth.

the day i came out of the closet

Name something that you did but wish you didn’t.

Allow me to rephrase that in the attempt to better capture your attention and increase the chances of you reading on.)

Name something that you didn’t realize that you did until after you did it and looked back at how you potentially just damaged your marriage forever. Something that was so stupid and meaningless at the time, but possibly made a statement that it had the power to permanently scar the bond what you have built with your spouse to date. An action that was so poorly planned and so horribly executed that, if you showed it in slow motion, could be viewed as more painful than Britney’s MTV Music Awards extravaganza.

I will paint the picture for you, but I must warn you of a few things…

JT

.

ask and you shall receive…just not right now

“Egg Hut Tree Hack Shin”

Have you ever concentrated so hard on what you were saying that it was unclear what you were thinking when you said it?

I know that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the obvious that I miss the actual message. I can be so concerned with my opinion and what seems logical, that I become vindicated due to my understanding of the given situation. I fight the flow of any other solution, never considering it plausible. Some people call that “Jumping to Conclusions”; others call it “Ambiguity”; but what it really is, is ”Stubbornness”.

“Sea Can’t Higher Dove Fit”

Other times we just had a different idea of what we were trying to accomplish. Our intentions didn’t quite match our impact. In some cases they were polar opposites. We didn’t take time to fully understand our possible audience and the results were disastrous.

that’s what dad’s are faux

Name something that you have never done, have never thought about doing, and could care less if you ever wind up doing it before you die…

For my son it was painting.

I must preface this article by saying that there isn’t anything in, or around a house that I can’t build, fix, or enhance from a do-it-yourself, home improvement perspective. I can change out plumbing fixtures, work on electrical fittings, hang drywall, set tile, hang an entry door, install a garage door opener, set up an irrigation system, install roofing, build furniture, and, oh yeah, paint.

 I would go as far as to say that I am such a good painter, that you may even consider it a “super power”. I work a cutting brush like Dare Devil works his walking stick; I roll better than The Caped Crusader in his Bat-Mobile Whip; and when the mood hits me, I can faux paint in almost any technique known to both human man or altered beast. I have ragged on, ragged off, stripped, sponged, stamped, and Venetian plastered just to name a few. I move fast and I work clean. If I were this super hero, you would probably call me “The Amazazaing Painter Man”, “The Super Spreader”, or maybe just “Michaelangelo Got Nothing on Me Stud”. I would fly around town in a paint pelted smock and ward off  the “White Wall Gang” with the fury of my mighty Corona brushes. All the while having my nemesis (The Evil Dr. Odorless Mineral Spirits) continually attempt to ruin my plans for a world that complements itself like a properly selected accent wall…

a greater tolerance for chaos

“Every time I have the opportunity to sin, I have the opportunity to bear fruit of the spirit as well. In a momentary flash; I can choose self-control or allow my eyes to wander. I can choose kindness or let a bit of vindictiveness leak out. What determines which one wins? In my life it’s largely the level of incubation.” 

                       —Ron Martoia , morph! ,  2003

Hmmmm…

I read this paragraph in Ron’s book a few years ago and again, a few days ago. Then I did my favorite thing I do when I come across something I want to absorb for a while; I went for a run. A “business as usual” run except I turn down my headphones to a faint mumble (for background filler only), and allow my kooky brain to grind up what I have learned and make it relevant enough to apply to something that I am going through at the moment.

how big are your knockers

“Sometimes we stare so long at a door that is closing that we see too late the one that is open.”     —Alexander Graham Bell

I wrote a blog, about a week ago, that started out with a proposition. I stated that anyone who performed a certain act, could be rewarded by me becoming their best friend for 2 weeks. Not just a regular friend, but a BEST FRIEND.

So, it appears that a few hundred people clicked on whatever led them to my article. I will assume that half started to read and decided not to finish, and the other half were successful in achieving the goal.  Of that, half probably didn’t need any extra friends, and a few more just didn’t want ME as one of them. That leaves me with an apparent 25 to 40 new BEST FRIENDS.

But here is the part that I don’t understand…

None of them took advantage of the opportunity.  I was not asked to babysit, cut their grass, pet their cat, or paint their house. Not one person asked me for a lift to the store, a shoulder to cry on, or a pot to tinkle in. No one asked me for help, advice, prayer, money, time, love, understanding, or my opinion.

i spit in your general direction

I will be your best friend for two weeks if you make it through these next two paragraphs without falling into a hypnotic trance of boredom….

On your mark, get set, go…

A “Brain Trust” was the name given to a diverse group of economists, professors, and others who served as advisors to U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt during the early period of his tenure. These men played a key role in shaping the policies of the First New Deal. Although they never met together as a group, they each had Roosevelt’s ear.

The term “Brain Trust” was first coined in 1901 and used in a sarcastic sense in reference to the first American general staff of the U.S. President. In 1932, New York Times writer James M. Kiernan revived the term when he applied it to the close group of experts that surrounded presidential candidate Franklin Roosevelt. The term has since been applied in general sense to any close group of advisors.

I wonder where he got that idea… (click insert, hmmmm)

bench press your kids

Having a workout partner is a big help when you are trying to achieve your fitness goals.

1. Safety - Your partner can watch your workout, make sure you are using proper form and spot you when lifting during heavy sets.

2. Time - When you set up a time to meet at the gym, your partner is waiting and expecting you to be there. If you train on your own you might find an excuse not to show up.

3. Motivation - When you train together you motivate each other to be the best that you can during that session. A little motivation goes a long way, especially on days that you don’t feel like training.

4. Fun - Having a partner makes the workout more enjoyable. You can joke around and talk about your day which helps stave off the boredom of a workout.

5. Competition - A little healthy competition between you and your partner will likely occur - after all, we are only human.

For better or for worse, in thin times or fat, vow to workout with your partner!

I think that we can all agree that raising children is a bit of a workout. In some cases it seems like it would be easier to just sit around and eat the Bon Bons that life places in front of us as opposed to practicing to eat healthier slices of life. In other cases it seems like it would be easier to sit on the couch of exhaustion that parenting provides you, rather than bench pressing your daily responsibilities. I mean, wouldn’t we all rather sleep in a bed of silence rather than run in the noise of reality?

with all due respect

I worked for a pretty big retail organization for more than half of my professional career.

I will try not to give away the name of the company in the attempt to protect your decision to continue shopping there, if need be. So please understand that if I use the words “home improvement”, “orange apron”, or “The Depot”; it is out of coincidence, and in no way am I trying to give away the fact that I worked for Home Depot for 12 plus years in store management.

With that (not) being said…

Have you noticed that the only people that think you can actually find “excellence in customer service” in these stores are the Depot employees that don’t actually have to perform the service? You know what I mean, don’t you? There are a slew of big shots (that don’t wear the orange aprons with their name Sharpied on them), sitting in a huge conference room (with those cool leather chairs with the gold buttons on them) writing a Standard Operating Procedure (that makes The Bible look like a 2 point AR book) for “helping another human being” figure out where the light bulbs are located in the store.