bee careful you dont shoot a bird

The time had come for me, very recently, to have “the talk” with my just about to be 14 year old son.

I strategically worked out a plan to spend some alone time with him and create a comfortable environment to discuss the “birds and the bees”. I had it all figured out in my head and I payed very close attention to the timing and the tone and I layed my opening line on him.

Cool Dad: “So how comfortable would you be if we talked about the “birds and the bees” for a bit?”

Awesome Son: “What’s that”

CD: “Sex stuff”

AS: “Fine…I guess”

CD: “Cool”

And off we go…

sexual chocolate

For this experiment, you will need:

٠ (1) 8 to 10 oz glass with a wide mouth ٠ (1) Teaspoon٠ Your favorite percentage of milk 

٠ (4-6) Oreo Cookies (non-refrigerated) ٠ (1) napkin

First take out your Oreos and stack them one over the other anywhere on the napkin and on your kitchen, dining, or coffee table. Place the spoon so that the belly of the utensil is also on the napkin. (This is to insure that any and all residue that may have been mistakenly left behind from your child’s last eating experience does not interfere with your quest for ecstasy.) Then get your glass and go to the fridge. (Glass first so that you do not waste the precious time that your milk spends out of the refrigerator). Fill it with milk leaving anywhere from ½ to 1 full inch before the rim. Walk briskly, with milk in hand to your prepared Oreo stack and sit down with authority. Can you feel the excitement building in your loins?

Now, take the top Oreo between your thumb and index finger and submerse vertically just past its equator. Count, internally, to 4. (Don’t ask…just do it) Then release the cookie so that it floats in the milk like the last moments of the Titanic before it plunges into the sea. It will sink in its position, and when it disappears into the milk, grab the spoon and scoop it out.

i can has happi spouz

I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand the hypnotizing allure that has caused ”I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER” to be the number one site in this blog community, week after week. I can’t explain why people are drawn to it faster than magnetic shavings to the red plastic pen on The Original Wooly Willy board. Heck, half of the time, I don’t even understand the captions of the “cute to everyone but me” posts and snapshots.

The sad part is that I feel compelled to admit visiting the site at least 7 times this week. I even left a comment, once! This is nuts! I don’t even like cats! Mainly because am so allergic to them that even the pictures make me sneeze!

I searched the Internet in the attempt to find an explanation for this phenomenon. My minimum expectation was to be able to find out what the trick was to decoding the captions. Perhaps there were some early Egyptian hieroglyphics that could lead me to an open stargate to a far off planet ruled by felines.

God makes my wife horny

Easy instructions on finding her ’G'od Spot.

Too many men are looking at the wrong playbook when it comes to driving their wife mad with desire. There is a different set of buttons, for women, that get them filled with passion and excitement and all of them start within their emotions. What we, asmen, consider to be non-sexual actions during the day are actually accellerants to their burning desires. A guy may be turned on like a “light switch”, but a woman is more like a “time lock safe”.

I bet that this doesn’t sound like new news to most. What I don’t get is how many men still don’t give what I am about to say a chance. Is it that they don’t want the best sex they could possibly have? What would you give to send your intimate experiences with your spouse to the next level? I think that couples underestimate what their sexpectations should be of their partner.

Do yourself a favor and try out what I am about to explain. Keep it up for 30 days or so and see what happens. God made woman a bit more difficult to figure out than Big Wheel assembly instructions. I would suggest, against your man-judgement, you follow the directions that are provided. The bible says a few things. I will attempt to simplify.