sideline parenting (5 of 18) — picking up chicks

Parenting Advise from the Worlds Greatest Coaches (with a charlie’s house flipper dipper)

Being with a woman all night never hurt no professional baseball player. It’s staying up all night looking for a woman that does him in.   —   Casey Stengle (former New York Yankees and Mets manager)

(double negative’s were a big thing back then , I guess)

I realized that I will be given as much levity as Judge ‘Chamberlain’ Haller gave Vincent Gambini when explaining where the heck I am going with this statement as it pertains to parenting children. I can assure you that I will make a point, and that most of you will understand that I am in now way stating that you should teach your kids the finer points of “bar hopping” and “pick up” techniques.

If you care to read on, I will try not to beat around the bush too long.

What is it about the allure of women and their fun parts that made us jump from watering hole to watering hole in search of some cream for our coffee? Think about all of the time, money, and ridiculous”one liners” we went through, all in the name of “nookie”. The late hours, the back twisting dance moves, and the almost irreversible heat damage from hours of over blow-drying your Beverly Hills 90210 hairdo.

The craziest part was, the later it got, the lower our standards would get.

The criteria that outlined the characteristics of your dream girl wind up being less important the closer you get to “last call”. The amount of adult beverages that you consume to increase your liquid courage, while suppressing the pain of the “you have got to be kidding me” glares from your unsuspecting prey, is mind bending. Then you get so desperate that you actually consider dropping all of your dignity, standards, and self respect and try to make a selection out of what is left when the lights come on at 4 a.m. that actually possesses 1/10 th of one of the criteria that you actually set out to connect with when you started your quest for some “hibbidy dibbidy”

So let’s get to that point I promised you I would make about parenting.

To do so, you will need to replace the previous use of the word “woman” with “temptation”, you have to substitute the bar scene with your child’s circle of friends, and you have to remove the idea of you as the inexperienced, desperate for attention, poorly dressed buffoon and insert your child.

Think about the desires of children. Think about how bad they think they want things. Think about the effort they put into getting out of going to bed on time, talk you into more junk food, or to buy them an iPhone. Think about the horrible things that they thought about you because you wouldn’t allow them to stay out past dark, wear all that make-up, or restrict the amount of text messaging they attempt to perform while you are eating diner together as a family.

There really is no difference, is there?

As parents we need to understand that the goal is not to try to remove the temptation from our kids lives. It is teaching them how to deal with them that is the key. Our job is helping them to process the tornado of emotions that they will experience when their primitive desires challenge their spiritual betterment. And at all cost, show them what it looks like to make reasonable decisions in the face of Carlizina Jolectron.

The damage is not done when they get what they wanted. The damage is done when they get in the habit of practicing poor judgment and exercising ridiculousness to get what they wanted. Dignity and self respect make a great ribbon to hold a gold medal around your neck. Without it, you might as well stick it to your chest with bubble gum. And just like the gum, it can seem like a sweet, easy, and quick solution to your dream come true scenario; but what you really will wind up with is a solution that may provide some immediate satisfaction, but will inevitably leave you with a sticky, gooey, inaffective mess that has lost its flavor and will wind up on the bottom of someones shoe.

The finishline is not the challenge, the path that got you there is.

sideline parenting (4 of 18) — plan to wipeout

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with some Charlie shizzle, my bizzle).

Courage is not the abscence of fear, but simply moving on with dignity despite that fear.   —   Pat Riley (Miami Heat Coach)

That reminds me of “Wipeout Tuesdays”.

sideline parenting (3 of 18) — fighting with spears

Parenting Advise from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House shimmy).

I’ve had smarter people around me all my life, but I haven’t run into one yet that can outwork me. And if they can’t outwork you, then smarts aren’t going to do them much good. That’s just the way it is. And if you believe that and live by it, you’d be surprised at how much fun you can have.   — Woody Hayes (former Ohio State football coach)

Britney Spears : Jamie Lynn Spears : Paris Hilton : Lindsey Lohan : Amy Winehouse

Michael Vick : Eminem : Nick Hogan : Steve O : Bam Margera

That sure is some stiff competition, just to name a few…

sideline parenting (2 of 18) — passing the buck

Parenting Advice from the World’s Greatest Coaches (with a Charlie’s House twist).

“If anything goes bad, I did it. If anything goes good, we did it. If anything goes really good, then you did it. That’s all it takes to get people to win.”   — Paul ‘Bear’ Bryant (former University of Alabama football coach)

When your child was born, what the Doctor really wanted to say instead of “IT’S A BOY/GIRL” was…

Surprise, new Dad guy! You have just become the least important person in your life, and the most important person in everyone else’s in your house. You are about to be forced to try to put away your bad habits and immature actions so that you can set a good example for this goop covered, alien looking thing that just shot out of your wife. You have just been selected to pick up where the umbilical chord has left off by providing this bundle of joy with the required and desired elements of life. You have just been made responsible for his/her actions and you should be aware that if they grow up to become a menace to society, you will be the blame, and 1000 camels will run through your tee pee to punish you for your negligence and dis concern. The catch is, that there is no manual to raising this child.

bee careful you dont shoot a bird

The time had come for me, very recently, to have “the talk” with my just about to be 14 year old son.

I strategically worked out a plan to spend some alone time with him and create a comfortable environment to discuss the “birds and the bees”. I had it all figured out in my head and I payed very close attention to the timing and the tone and I layed my opening line on him.

Cool Dad: “So how comfortable would you be if we talked about the “birds and the bees” for a bit?”

Awesome Son: “What’s that”

CD: “Sex stuff”

AS: “Fine…I guess”

CD: “Cool”

And off we go…

how to take care of your beaver

Let us be perfectly honest with each other…

Our children do not act the same in our absence as they do in our presence. They have their home behavior and their away behavior. There are certain things that they will try where you cannot see them that they would never dare within an eye-shot of us. I am not telling you that our children are all criminals when we are not watching, but they are most definitely more daring and mischievous. It is not a flaw in their psyche. It is simply hard wired into their existence. Testing limits and boundaries is a part of growing up. Putting control valves on their feelings and emotions is another.

My example:

I am not sure when exactly I started using foul language as a child, I just did.

scrapping you children’s childhood

I am in the process of changing out my son’s room decor.

You see, he is thirteen now and the Ralph Lauren Denim faux finish that I had on the accent wall and beneath the leather chair rail with the accented belt loops from worn out jeans was no longer appropriate. It made no matter that I hand painted every double stitch line between the 24″ sections of perceived fabric. It was inconsequential that I outlined each outlet and switch plate to look like a pocket on the back of your most comfortable pair of Levi’s. Oh did I forget to mention that I made a loft bed for him, with a desk/workspace underbelly, from scratch out of lumber that I hand selected, sanded, and stained from our local home improvement emporium.

that’s what dad’s are faux

Name something that you have never done, have never thought about doing, and could care less if you ever wind up doing it before you die…

For my son it was painting.

I must preface this article by saying that there isn’t anything in, or around a house that I can’t build, fix, or enhance from a do-it-yourself, home improvement perspective. I can change out plumbing fixtures, work on electrical fittings, hang drywall, set tile, hang an entry door, install a garage door opener, set up an irrigation system, install roofing, build furniture, and, oh yeah, paint.

 I would go as far as to say that I am such a good painter, that you may even consider it a “super power”. I work a cutting brush like Dare Devil works his walking stick; I roll better than The Caped Crusader in his Bat-Mobile Whip; and when the mood hits me, I can faux paint in almost any technique known to both human man or altered beast. I have ragged on, ragged off, stripped, sponged, stamped, and Venetian plastered just to name a few. I move fast and I work clean. If I were this super hero, you would probably call me “The Amazazaing Painter Man”, “The Super Spreader”, or maybe just “Michaelangelo Got Nothing on Me Stud”. I would fly around town in a paint pelted smock and ward off  the “White Wall Gang” with the fury of my mighty Corona brushes. All the while having my nemesis (The Evil Dr. Odorless Mineral Spirits) continually attempt to ruin my plans for a world that complements itself like a properly selected accent wall…

drawing conclusions

My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
—Clarence Budinton Kelland

One of our more recent trips as, as a family, was to one of the Orlando Florida theme parks.

We usually are very careful of what we spend our money on. We try to stick to the essentials. Churros, soda products, smoothie bars, candy, stupid hats that will never be used again, adult beverages, figurines, stuffed animals, ponchos, fake tattoos, and dip-n-dots. (This list is not all inclusive, but is an excellent indication that even a Floridian can fall victim to the tourist traps we have set for you Northerners).

One thing that my wife and I learned a long time ago is that there is not an artist in the Continental United States that is talented enough to capture our image in the form of a caricature. There have been many-a-men to try; but non up to the challenge. We learned this so early in our relationship that we have saved millions of dollars in failed attempts while protecting the confidence of artists across our great divide.

Then we met a man.

I did not know this man. We will call him “Artist X”. He was confident and cunning at his craft. He was proud and boastful. He even bellowed like one of Robin Hood’s Merry Men when I approached him with a challenge…

i’m a sooth operator

soothsayer
n : someone who makes predictions of the future (usually on the basis of special knowledge) [syn: forecaster, predictor, prognosticator]

I have the ability to see the future.

The only catch is that what I see just stays there and waits till I arrive before it does anything at all. I can slightly change its outcome by making some adjustments, but I don’t recommend that, due to the severe ramifications that are a result of the attempt to alter the inevitable. I will give you a glance into my minds eye so that you to can behold the absolute a-ma-za-zing power I have acquired.

the dark side of the force

Did you sympathize with Darth Vader when he was trying to get Luke to see things his way?

Lord Vader was more than a dark, ruthless figure, out to capture, torture, or kill heroes to prevent them from thwarting the Empire. Vader was also a dad. A dad with a son. A son that he thought he knew best about. I like to think that Vader had one of two intentions (one equally as selfish as the other):

1. Ensure his (Vader’s) destiny would be fulfilled

2. To guide Luke to a life that was (in his opinion) equal to, or better than, the one he (Vader) was living

fore the fun of it

My 12 year old son and I played golf together for Fathers Day.

Here is what I was looking forward to teaching him about the game and how it relates to life:

a dad with a SORRY attitude

How would you describe your parenting style? Do you understand LIFE? Do you have a CLUE? Are you SORRY?

In the board game called LIFE, you spin the wheel of fate! (temptation) Do good deeds to earn LIFE Tiles (shallow) and more money (spoils) down the road! Collect your money and LIFE tiles (false sense of security), and have the highest net worth at the end of the game (pride). Live in the big white house and bask in your own glory (greed). Playing pieces are small, colored plastic automobiles, and each pawn has six holes in the top in which “people pegs” are placed throughout the game as the player “gets married” and has or adopts “children” (that he will ignore the entire game).

RSS for dummies…literally

Here are 5 feeds that you should NEVER rely on RSS to deliver!

I am one of those crazy guys that is suspicious of the intentions of the Internet. I think that there is as much to learn from the World Wide Web as there is to try not to learn. In order for me to explain where I am going with this, I need to insure that you understand what RSS is. If you think this statement is me challenging your smartnestitude, please understand that I just figured it out about a month ago and am assuming that there are others that don’t get it. (I’m betting my wife is one)

So, for your learning enjoyment, please take a brief moment to watch the clip I have provided. Then come back and I’ll put a little hibbity-dibbity on it.

be on the lookout for mailboxes

How to help formulate a game-plan for your kids lives that is realistic and attainable.

I went for a run/bike/swim today. (in that order) My goals were realistic and attainable as I frequently cover the same ground. I was going to run 4 miles, bike 12, and swim for 1/4 mile. As I got started, I traveled a familiar path and ran at a speed that seemed comfortable to me. About 2 minutes into the run I got a bit lazy. My brain started focus on all of the things that were in my way to get to the finish-line.

what kind of son are you…dad?

“It’s not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can’t tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.”                                                                                    ~Joyce Maynard
 

My son grows to be more and more like me every day. I can imagine my daughter will follow. I never really concerned myself with that much because, heck, I like myself! I mean, we all have our ups and downs, but for the most part, I’m OK. Now, of course I want my kids to be better than “OK”, but find great comfort in the fact that in the worst case scenario, at least they would be as insanely happy as I am.

parenting on purpose

Wednesday night is “Game Night” at our house.

There are simple expectations for each of us that night. We get home from our daily responsibilities, each being a bit different. We eat dinner together (We try to as often as we can), attempt to have stimulating conversations, and immediately follow it with some kind of game or activity that involves all of us. (It’s usually a board game). Sometimes we separate into teams, other times it’s every person for themselves.

I must admit a few things: