love has an aftertaste

I have yet to meet a person that actually likes eating Candy Hearts.

Even with that being said; once Valentine’s Day rolls around, I cannot seem escape them. I trip over the pyramids that are stacked to the ceiling of every retail establishment that I enter. I notice them on the counters of hostess stands across our great nation of eateries. I see them on every hard working Americans desk wedged between their Swingline Stapler and the chrome balls clacking on a string swing thing.

I have seen people grab them by the handfuls and transfer them to some alternate location. I have witnessed people fingering through the assortment to find one that perfectly fits their joke-of-the-minute. I have been a bystander and noticed the disappointing look on a persons face that was remiss in remembering what they experienced the last time they plucked one of these candy excuses into their mouth.

trick your wife into loving you more

“I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I’m not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant.”          —Robert McCloskey

Let the analogy begin:

When (I repeat “when”) I workout regularly, I try to “trick” my muscles. I try not to do the same exercises, reps and sets for each and every workout. I try to shock my muscles into growing and adapting to new stimuli, so I make sure to always switch up my training routines, number of sets and reps for each training session. Also, I make sure to train at a high level of intensity and really push each set to positive failure (barely getting the last rep up).

I focus on increasing the weight lifted or the distance traveled. I know that if my muscles get used to lifting a specific amount of weight or run/bike/swimming a certain distance, then they will never want to get stronger or grow. I try to trick my muscles with different reps/sets and keep my intensity levels up high enough so they always are forced to make changes and grow. This is a proven fact and cannot easily be argued.

Some questions for me, as of late, have been based on this theory and how it pertains to my relationship with my wife.

the day i came out of the closet

Name something that you did but wish you didn’t.

Allow me to rephrase that in the attempt to better capture your attention and increase the chances of you reading on.)

Name something that you didn’t realize that you did until after you did it and looked back at how you potentially just damaged your marriage forever. Something that was so stupid and meaningless at the time, but possibly made a statement that it had the power to permanently scar the bond what you have built with your spouse to date. An action that was so poorly planned and so horribly executed that, if you showed it in slow motion, could be viewed as more painful than Britney’s MTV Music Awards extravaganza.

I will paint the picture for you, but I must warn you of a few things…

ask and you shall receive…just not right now

“Egg Hut Tree Hack Shin”

Have you ever concentrated so hard on what you were saying that it was unclear what you were thinking when you said it?

I know that sometimes I get so wrapped up in the obvious that I miss the actual message. I can be so concerned with my opinion and what seems logical, that I become vindicated due to my understanding of the given situation. I fight the flow of any other solution, never considering it plausible. Some people call that “Jumping to Conclusions”; others call it “Ambiguity”; but what it really is, is ”Stubbornness”.

“Sea Can’t Higher Dove Fit”

Other times we just had a different idea of what we were trying to accomplish. Our intentions didn’t quite match our impact. In some cases they were polar opposites. We didn’t take time to fully understand our possible audience and the results were disastrous.

a greater tolerance for chaos

“Every time I have the opportunity to sin, I have the opportunity to bear fruit of the spirit as well. In a momentary flash; I can choose self-control or allow my eyes to wander. I can choose kindness or let a bit of vindictiveness leak out. What determines which one wins? In my life it’s largely the level of incubation.” 

                       —Ron Martoia , morph! ,  2003

Hmmmm…

I read this paragraph in Ron’s book a few years ago and again, a few days ago. Then I did my favorite thing I do when I come across something I want to absorb for a while; I went for a run. A “business as usual” run except I turn down my headphones to a faint mumble (for background filler only), and allow my kooky brain to grind up what I have learned and make it relevant enough to apply to something that I am going through at the moment.

being a husband is not a “big deal”

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave himself for her.   —Ephesians 5:25

I have mentioned this verse in a few different blogs, but I regret (’regret’ is a whole other blog) that I misunderstood its meaning early in my relationship with my wife. I think that I missed opportunities to practice this with regularity because I always waited for some extraordinary situation to apply my “man powers” to, so that I could save the day in true “Super-Husband” fashion. After all, Christ DIED for the church; so I was prepared to do the same for my wife. As a result, I always kept my ears open for signs of a natural disaster, terrorist attacks, or global thermo nuclear war. I was ready for the worst, and I knew I would protect my wife, at any cost. I was looking to make a “big deal” out of my efforts, and I was WAITING for it.

my wife likes to see me tied up

I have a job that requires that I wear a tie.

I have a few secrets that I use to insure that I get a good knot, the right length, and a perfect dimple. I am pretty good at it, but that was not always the case. Back in the day, I used to struggle a bit with the tie thing. I would do the best I could and just deal with the results. I wore them so infrequently, that I paid very little mind to the finished product.

Now that it is a daily ritual, I have learned a few things.

If I tie it too short, it looks sloppy. It draws attention away from the rest of my “get up” because it looks like I should be popping out of a Volkswagen with 20 more “face painted” friends at a Ringling Brothers event. If I tie it to long, it looks like I am trying to hide a coffee stain from a poorly placed coffee cup during my drive to work. Additionally, it gets caught on stuff and it seems to get in the way all day.

When I pull it too tight, it restricts my breathing and my movement. When I wear it too loose, it looks unprofessional. The point is that, more so than learning how to make it match, I had to learn how to tie it properly according to my shirt style, collar type, and pants positioning. I had to learn what it took to get the right results and then try to repeat those steps daily.

sexual chocolate

For this experiment, you will need:

٠ (1) 8 to 10 oz glass with a wide mouth ٠ (1) Teaspoon٠ Your favorite percentage of milk 

٠ (4-6) Oreo Cookies (non-refrigerated) ٠ (1) napkin

First take out your Oreos and stack them one over the other anywhere on the napkin and on your kitchen, dining, or coffee table. Place the spoon so that the belly of the utensil is also on the napkin. (This is to insure that any and all residue that may have been mistakenly left behind from your child’s last eating experience does not interfere with your quest for ecstasy.) Then get your glass and go to the fridge. (Glass first so that you do not waste the precious time that your milk spends out of the refrigerator). Fill it with milk leaving anywhere from ½ to 1 full inch before the rim. Walk briskly, with milk in hand to your prepared Oreo stack and sit down with authority. Can you feel the excitement building in your loins?

Now, take the top Oreo between your thumb and index finger and submerse vertically just past its equator. Count, internally, to 4. (Don’t ask…just do it) Then release the cookie so that it floats in the milk like the last moments of the Titanic before it plunges into the sea. It will sink in its position, and when it disappears into the milk, grab the spoon and scoop it out.

my wife farts

At least I hope she does…

I can honestly say, after 13 years of marriage, that I have never heard my wife pass gas. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. I have never been a witness to it, but I am not fool enough to think that it doesn’t happen. With as long as she has held them before their secret release, sometimes, I’m sure that they have an odor that would bring grown men and large farm animals to their knees.

When I first realized this, I thought that there was a possibility that she was from another planet. It was like she was some “super hot” space creature that was sent to earth to mate with Tom Cruise, but was given the wrong address. I used stay up late at night and look for her “E.T. phone home” device so that I could bury it in the back yard and trap her with me for eternity.

Turns out she was not a space creature.

race to end your relation’chip’

How long has it been since you have had a chance to play with slot cars?

Its racing made easy. You just get your car in the groove and pull the trigger. You don’t have to steer, you just have to accelerate. You also learn, very quickly, that if you lay off the gas on the tougher parts of the track, you have a better chance to stay on it. If you fall off, you just grab the car and put it back in the slot. It’s that easy. There isn’t much you can do to mess up the fun.

All you have to do is keep it on track.

In all of my years of playing with slot cars, I have never seen anyone have their car leave the track and do nothing about it. They don’t yell at it until it jumps back on. They don’t make fun of it an effort to humiliate it into place. They don’t ignore it until it comes to its senses and returns. They may be gat a bit pissed, but they wipe that CHIP off their shoulder and press on.

my wifes ‘but’ keeps getting bigger

I have been married for almost 14 years.

To some couples that may seem like an impressive number; to others it isn’t even a dent in their cup of life. I have met people that could not make it to their second year of marriage and I know others that have been together since before I was born. On the flip side I know couples that live a miserable existence regardless of marital tenure of 30 plus years and others that seem like they are living in a constant state of euphoria after only a few years.

Some couples try to give themselves credit simply for sticking it out longer than most people they know. They pay no mind to measuring the happy years vs. the trying ones. They have tricked themselves into believing that the goal is the quantity and not the quality.

That must suck.

I can tell you the secret to having a successful relationship with your wife. Even better, I can do it in one sentence. (Actually, it’s a question). I must warn you, it will challenge you from the time you read it, till the end of your days. It is never too late to implement it, but once you do, your job is never ending. You can start it at any time in your marriage and you can measure its success with little effort. It may not always be easy to see, but it will be simple to stick with it once you recognize its importance. Here it is:

how to fight a girl

If you ever wondered if there were any laws written to explain rules of engagement with your wife, I’m sorry to say that there is not. I can, however, get you close to the truth by creatively adding a few words to a set of rules that were outlined in a movie I saw a few zillion times.

• 1st Rule:  You do not talk about FIGHT with wife CLUB.

• 2nd Rule: You DO NOT talk about FIGHT with wife CLUB.

• 3rd Rule: If you say “stop” or go limp, or tap out, the fight is still not over until she says.

• 4th Rule: Only one right person to a fight. (PS it’s not you)

• 5th Rule: One fight at a time. (Unless she chooses to bring up 345,212 different issues from the past)

• 6th Rule: No amount of gifts, shirts or shoes can save you.

• 7th Rule: Fights will go on as long as she thinks they have to.

• 8th Rule: If this is your first night at FIGHT with wife CLUB, you HAVE to fight.

women are like dead bugs

Women deal with multiple thoughts and emotions from their past and present all the time, at the same time - and these can’t be easily dismissed.           Jeff Feldhahn “For Men Only”

It is no great revelation that there is more going on in a woman’s mind than in a man’s. I mean, I know that we all have experienced the random, tangent filled, and sporadic array of information that pours from the female mind. I can’t be the only one that gets dizzy when I am trapped in a conversation with my wife and she really gets going at mach speed.

How can we go from: what she is wearing, to what the kids did today, then exactly what bills are due next, while we talk about what we need at the grocery store, followed by what happened at work, and  what we are eating for dinner, after that comes what I need to pick up from the hardware store, and how much gas prices have gone up, leading to what she read in the bible this morning, with the broken garbage disposal, to ……(please tell me its not just me)!

RSS for dummies…literally

Here are 5 feeds that you should NEVER rely on RSS to deliver!

I am one of those crazy guys that is suspicious of the intentions of the Internet. I think that there is as much to learn from the World Wide Web as there is to try not to learn. In order for me to explain where I am going with this, I need to insure that you understand what RSS is. If you think this statement is me challenging your smartnestitude, please understand that I just figured it out about a month ago and am assuming that there are others that don’t get it. (I’m betting my wife is one)

So, for your learning enjoyment, please take a brief moment to watch the clip I have provided. Then come back and I’ll put a little hibbity-dibbity on it.

fonzie, chachi, or potsie

What is really “cool” to your family?

I’m pretty sure we all remember the show I’m talking about. It was a television sitcom that presented an idealized version of American life in late 1950s and early 1960s. Lots of it had to do with family, relationships, and identity. Everyone had their favorite character.

Mine was “The Fonz”…

Fonzie usually exhibited a confident demeanor during times of challenge, stress, or annoyance. Fonzie was adored by all of the chicks and respected by his peers. He dressed like an outlaw and walked with a characteristic sangfroid (I looked it up too).  He really seemed to have his stuff together. Fonzie was so “cool” that he could actually make mechanical objects function with a single punch.

Aurther Fonzerelli was the easy pick if you were looking for a roll model as a boy. It was a pleasing picture of what you assume being a man was supposed to look like. He didn’t even have to respond in sentences. All he had to say was “AAAAAYYYYYY” and we got it!

i can has happi spouz

I have come to the conclusion that I will never understand the hypnotizing allure that has caused ”I CAN HAS CHEEZBURGER” to be the number one site in this blog community, week after week. I can’t explain why people are drawn to it faster than magnetic shavings to the red plastic pen on The Original Wooly Willy board. Heck, half of the time, I don’t even understand the captions of the “cute to everyone but me” posts and snapshots.

The sad part is that I feel compelled to admit visiting the site at least 7 times this week. I even left a comment, once! This is nuts! I don’t even like cats! Mainly because am so allergic to them that even the pictures make me sneeze!

I searched the Internet in the attempt to find an explanation for this phenomenon. My minimum expectation was to be able to find out what the trick was to decoding the captions. Perhaps there were some early Egyptian hieroglyphics that could lead me to an open stargate to a far off planet ruled by felines.

the symbiote dad

Lessons of humility from the web-slinger.

Spiderman 3 introduced a symbiotic being from somewhere unexplained. I will give a readers digest version of what that is for those that are unfamiliar while trying not to offend some of the spidey-fanatics.

God makes my wife horny

Easy instructions on finding her ’G'od Spot.

Too many men are looking at the wrong playbook when it comes to driving their wife mad with desire. There is a different set of buttons, for women, that get them filled with passion and excitement and all of them start within their emotions. What we, asmen, consider to be non-sexual actions during the day are actually accellerants to their burning desires. A guy may be turned on like a “light switch”, but a woman is more like a “time lock safe”.

I bet that this doesn’t sound like new news to most. What I don’t get is how many men still don’t give what I am about to say a chance. Is it that they don’t want the best sex they could possibly have? What would you give to send your intimate experiences with your spouse to the next level? I think that couples underestimate what their sexpectations should be of their partner.

Do yourself a favor and try out what I am about to explain. Keep it up for 30 days or so and see what happens. God made woman a bit more difficult to figure out than Big Wheel assembly instructions. I would suggest, against your man-judgement, you follow the directions that are provided. The bible says a few things. I will attempt to simplify.

my wife has decided to leave me

 …and I will help her pack!

My wife was invited to go on a 5 day vacation with her Mother and Sister to go to visit her Niece that lives a few thousand miles away. We talked about it that night and discussed: when it was, what it would entail, and how long it would be for. Financially, it would be a strain to take the family, so the conversation was centered on the understanding that it could only be her that goes, leaving the rest of us behind.

the Microscope, the Magnifying Glass, and the Mirror

What do you see when you look at your wife?

A microscope could reveal a number of things. A mole, hairs, or perhaps an unsightly blemish. It could also focus on a negative remark or a poor attitude. A magnifying glass could expose wrinkles, grey hairs, or an unfortunate scar. It could also exaggerate sarcasm or overemphasize an opinion. If you turned a mirror just right, you could catch an angle or a glimpse of something that she would have paid handsomely for you never to find out about her. She may even give you back the “pants in the family” for a week in the hope that the gyrations from your victory dance would give you amnesia.

With the right tools you could pick her apart. I mean you could really get to the bottom of proving to her that she should be honored that she was lucky enough to be chosen by a specimen such as yourself. After all…

“I’m a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That’s what kind of man I am. You’re just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It’s science.”                      -Ron Burgandy 2004