my wife farts

At least I hope she does…

no fartsI can honestly say, after 13 years of marriage, that I have never heard my wife pass gas. As crazy as that sounds, it’s true. I have never been a witness to it, but I am not fool enough to think that it doesn’t happen. With as long as she has held them before their secret release, sometimes, I’m sure that they have an odor that would bring grown men and large farm animals to their knees.

When I first realized this, I thought that there was a possibility that she was from another planet. It was like she was some “super hot” space creature that was sent to earth to mate with Tom Cruise, but was given the wrong address. I used stay up late at night and look for her “E.T. phone home” device so that I could bury it in the back yard and trap her with me for eternity.

Turns out she was not a space creature.

barbarellaShe was an earth girl (the super hot part still stands). She just decided that she was not going to perform a “trouser cough” in front of me. Goodness knows I NEVER asked, demanded, or required such an amazing feat. She just took it upon herself to take an oath never to sound off her “backdoor trumpet” in front of her spouse, I swear! (Even though I shouldn’t)

You know, come to think of it, I have very little knowledge of how she removes her unwanted hair, gets boogers out of her nose, puts on make up, fixes her hair, cleans out her ear wax or takes care of the 12,476 other lady things that probably wouldn’t happen to her if she was lucky enough to actually be that space alien.

I think I know what she is trying to accomplish.

You see, you always hear everyone say that they wish that their relationship was as romantic and exciting as it was when they first met. There was something about the beginning of your relationship that was a bit special and you never can quite put your finger on it. You saw each other in a different light; you felt differently, there was a certain something about the time that you spent together. I’m not saying I don’t love my wife 9 billion times more now as I used to, I’m just trying to get us all somewhere we can agree that there is a difference.

What changes this stuff is lack of: Preparation, delivery, and commitment.

PREPARATION: Putting your best foot forward (when you can help it). I understand work, kids, housework, and life in general; but there is a way to present yourself to your spouse that shows them that you are willing to put in the effort.

get readyI remember, back in the dating day, I used to take extra long and reassuring showers, have perfectly groomed hair and nails, clean pressed clothes, the right amount of smell good stuff, fresh breath, and I tried to stay as in shape as I could.

I try to still provide that for my wife today.

DELIVERY: Try to be on your best behavior. I remember, back in the day, being aware of my language, tone, and delivery, opening doors, pulling out chairs, complementing, paying attention to where I had an itch or if I had a wedgie. I wouldn’t fart, burp, or pick my nose (in front of her). I tried to be a gentleman, despite my inner caveman.

I’m working on some of these at the moment. :fart: “excuse me”

COMMITMENT: I remember, back in the day, the little things being important. I was concerned about what she thought, what she saw, how she felt, and what she wanted. I was attentive and responsive. It was about delivering her “happiness”; not focusing on what it took me to get it to her. I remember that I would have moved a mountain with a teaspoon for her.

That is true to this day.

happy togetherYou see, what I read into my wife’s actions, is that she has a relentless desire of complete happiness with me. She wants the best of both worlds. She wants the husband that is continuously growing with her and partnering with her in life; but she also wants the boyfriend that she met all those years ago that did everything he could to sweep her off her feet…

…and she is doing what she feels is her part to keep it alive by being that same girl that I originally fell in love with, all those years ago.

I know that it is great to be “in love” with your spouse, but wouldn’t you prefer to have a “love affair”?

Well you can’t cook up a “love affair” in a “Dutch Oven”…

…Lord knows I’ve tried.


11 Responses to my wife farts

  1. Cabana Boy says:

    Well I’ve got to admire your wife in the area of commitment and discipline, to be that consistent for 13 years! So you can rekindle an affair if you like Pina Coladas, and from farts can refrain? :)


  2. Charlie says:

    “Yes I like Pina Coladas
    And her farts can refrain…

    I’m not much into health food
    I am into champagne (not really)
    —Rupert Holmes, Pina Colada (kinda) lol

  3. Tina Ocasio says:

    Well…you really surprise me with every passing year!!!. I have to admit that after raising “a perfect daughter” (WAS’NT EASY), you have not been a bad influence on her. Just joking! I know I found a “perfect husband” for her and I adore you!!! Love, Mom

  4. Fan says:

    Honey, I love you, “BUT”………..I really hate this title! :)

  5. Charlie says:

    Tina (Mom-in-Law): She was lucky that you were taken when we met because you were my first choice.

    Honey: you have a beautiful “but”

  6. raincoaster says:

    If she does NOT fart she’s in substantial danger of being invaded to “secure the national interests” what with the price of natural gas nowadays. Take her to a specialist and have her colonfumes bled off or something.

  7. My badoodles also asks the same question about the other lady things i do because he does not have an idea how i get to take care of myself without him seeing everything. and yes, he also wonders whether i fart or not.

    I just tell him that he does not necessarily have to know everything. A little mystery is good for the relationship.

  8. Sally says:

    hmmmm… lol
    I feel that its important to take care of yourself and still try to impress your spouse even though you don’t “need” to.

  9. Steven Abeyta says:

    Very interesting post, indeed. I love it! I’m more into that kind of stuff, I suppose. Not that I love it, but I mean we all get gas, use the restroom, have boogers in our noses, ear wax, bad breath and all that good stuff. It’s human nature and well, we should be comfortable with it with each other. I don’t mind if the woman I marry has a bit of a gas problem, because I love her and she’s beautiful.

    This reminds me of when my girlfriend was recently at my house. Oh my goodness, I had bad gas and I couldn’t let it out. She was pressing on my stomach and it wanted to come out (she didn’t know, until I couldn’t bear it and then I told her), but I held it in and it was very uncomfortable. My stomach was just inflating itself. I lived like this for about two days when she was here. Also, when she was plucking my eye brows, she told me to hold on and she got a Kleenex and got the booger out of my nose. I was shocked, but I honestly fell deeper in love with her because of that. She could have never told me. She must really love me to do that! Later, I found a booger in her nose! Haha. Love is beautiful, isn’t it?

    Take care!


  10. Takeshi says:

    charlie, one of the most humorous pieces of personal writing I have read. “Trouser-Cough” made me laugh so hard my abs hurt from all the shaking. You have a gifted talent. I will be back to catch up on everything you have posted. Definitely, an inspirational journey for me. When I visit, I will be sure to hide the “talons!” LOL

    Catch you later. Oh, btw, have you studied any form of budo, or do you now?!

  11. Charlie says:

    Tak: it is nice to see you looming around. You are a welcome addition, and you will fit in very nicely with my current ring of friends. I am very happy to hear that you find my stuff amusing and that you will be fishing around in the future. I will look forward to your comments.

    “The way of war” is not something I study, but I am, of course, interested in “the path of enlightenment”. It is a shame really as I have an affinity for tradition, honor, and discipline as it pertains to my family and my life.

    i think that i just feel like now would be a bad time for me to start (long story), but i have not counted it out for a future time and place in my life.

    Oaidekite ureshiidesu

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