the day i came out of the closet
December 1, 2007 14 Comments
Name something that you did but wish you didn’t.
Allow me to rephrase that in the attempt to better capture your attention and increase the chances of you reading on.)
Name something that you didn’t realize that you did until after you did it and looked back at how you potentially just damaged your marriage forever. Something that was so stupid and meaningless at the time, but possibly made a statement that it had the power to permanently scar the bond what you have built with your spouse to date. An action that was so poorly planned and so horribly executed that, if you showed it in slow motion, could be viewed as more painful than Britney’s MTV Music Awards extravaganza.
I will paint the picture for you, but I must warn you of a few things…
Any man that reads this will immediately sympathize, but throw his hands out with the same fear as if he were witnessing his plasma television falling off the wall mount and onto his PlayStation, all in slow motion. (You may also be inclined to scream out one of those heartfilled Noooooooooooooooo’s!) While any woman that reads this will feel the same disappointment they felt when they found out that the girl whose hair they have always envied, wound up actually being extensions. You know what I mean…A guy-ism. The things that men do that make women say, “Oh no he DI’NT!” It was that thing that gets filed in the back left corner of a woman’s brain so that 5 years from now, in a totally unrelated argument, she can unleash a built up ball of fury that could rival the dogs that guard the gates of hell on the day that Michael Vick finally shows up.
(How was THAT for a theatrical intro?)
Allow me to paint the picture further.
I decided that I was going to clean my closet out a few days ago. I figured that it was going to take a while, so I popped a movie in the TV/DVD in my bedroom. I could not see the TV from the closet, but it provided some good background fill as I tediously went through the tee shirts that were so old that the graphics were worn off of them, shorts that had holes so big in them that it looked like I was running a Moth Circus, and jeans that would mock and laugh at me for even thinking that I would ever fit in them again.
Simultaneously, (but in another dimension…)
My wife decided that since she had never seen the movie I was playing, that she would stick around and clean the bedroom a bit, and maybe dive into her closet when I was done. The movie name would not be important, but it helps out my blog title a bit so I will toss it in. We were watching “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” It’s the one with Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and some girl….oh yeah…Jessica Siel…or something like that.
So an hour or so goes by and I hear something interesting. The dialog in the movie suggested that Miss. Biel was very scantily clad, and perhaps, about to have some kind of interaction with Mr. Sandler that could lean toward inappropriate. This struck me as interesting, but since I was busy in the closet, I qualified my next move with a simple question…
“Honey, Is Jessica Biel half naked on T.V. right now?”
“Yup”, she said.
So guess what Charlie Einstein did next. That’s right, boys and girls, he got up off the floor, came out of the closet and watched ‘said’ movie scene. (probably with his mouth open) right in front of his wife. He thoughtlessly got his man-fill, and then returned back to his closet to finish the Extreme Closet Makeover, Jerk-Off Edition. Never once thinking about his audience and the message he was delivering with his actions.
Now, I must add, my wife never flinched, commented, or made that sound when you press your lips together , shrug your shoulders, and blow out of your mouth like you are trying to pfffff out a candle. She just went on with her business and, and so did I.
It was not until hours later that I realized what I had done.
I just showed her that someone had my attention more than her, for that moment. I showed her that I might have an interest in someone other than her, for a split-second. I showed her that I might be comparing her to someone else, at times. I showed her that I might have ignored the fact that she was standing there, at all. I got concerned because I had no idea what was going on in her brain as she witnessed the mistake I made. (Plus you never can tell how big the “ball of fury” gets before it is unleashed on you like a pack of spider monkeys all hopped up on Mountain Dew.) So when I got to the point where I couldn’t rest without making it right, I talked to her about it.
It went something like this… (“X”=that stupid, thoughtless, and insensitive thing)
*****”Honey, I just want you to know that the other day when I did “X”, I was not thinking very clearly about what I was doing. Yes, my mind works like most guys minds do, but my love for you is like no other guy on earth could ever have for you. I will do my best to control “X” in the future, but if I don’t, and you ever feel the way that I think I made you feel, I give you permission to “call me on it.” You see, guys are kinda geared toward “X”, but you deserve more than a regular guy and I want to make sure that I do everything in my power to practice more respect, understanding, and love when it comes to the outward display of my feelings for you and our relationship. I love you more than anything or anyone in the world and I regret that you may have questioned that, even for a second. please forgive me”
So how often do you “come out of the closet” in your relationship?
What are you saying to your wife with the TV shows/Movies that you watch, the websites that you visit, or the magazines that you read? Where are your eyes when you are out at a club together, walking hand in hand at the mall, or making your second lap around Costco to get double the food samples illegally, together? Where is your heart when you have a choice to choose to fulfill your own selfish desires, or a chance to impress upon your wife that you are enamored by nothing else but the beauty she brings to your life and marriage?
I know that this is one of the hardest things for a guy to get control over. Most will use the excuse that they are “wired” this way and that there is nothing that they can do about being the way that they are. They gather in groups around water coolers and share inappropriate emails as they seek comfort from the masses. They disgrace what they have committed to, by not being true to themselves. All the while making excuses as to why they shouldn’t have to stop.
When all they have to do is be MAN ENOUGH to stop.
If you suck at this kinda stuff….read this.
If you are a guy, and you want to see the scene with Jessica that I was referring to…click here.
*****(I may not have been as eloquent as I portrayed during the apology part of my story, but I should have been. So here’s the do over Honey…I love you.)