the day i came out of the closet

what did he sayName something that you did but wish you didn’t.

Allow me to rephrase that in the attempt to better capture your attention and increase the chances of you reading on.)

Name something that you didn’t realize that you did until after you did it and looked back at how you potentially just damaged your marriage forever. Something that was so stupid and meaningless at the time, but possibly made a statement that it had the power to permanently scar the bond what you have built with your spouse to date. An action that was so poorly planned and so horribly executed that, if you showed it in slow motion, could be viewed as more painful than Britney’s MTV Music Awards extravaganza.

I will paint the picture for you, but I must warn you of a few things…

Any man that reads this will immediately sympathize, but throw his hands out with the same fear as if he were witnessing his plasma television falling off the wall mount and onto his PlayStation, all in slow motion. (You may also be inclined to scream out one of those heartfilled Noooooooooooooooo’s!) While any woman that reads this will feel the same disappointment they felt when they found out that the girl whose hair they have always envied, wound up actually being extensions. You know what I mean…A guy-ism. The things that men do that make women say, “Oh no he DI’NT!” It was that thing that gets filed in the back left corner of a woman’s brain so that 5 years from now, in a totally unrelated argument, she can unleash a built up ball of fury that could rival the dogs that guard the gates of hell on the day that Michael Vick finally shows up.

(How was THAT for a theatrical intro?)

on no he di-ntAllow me to paint the picture further.

I decided that I was going to clean my closet out a few days ago. I figured that it was going to take a while, so I popped a movie in the TV/DVD  in my bedroom. I could not see the TV from the closet, but it provided some good background fill as I tediously went through the tee shirts that were so old that the graphics were worn off of them, shorts that had holes so big in them that it looked like I was running a Moth Circus, and jeans that would mock and laugh at me for even thinking that I would ever fit in them again.

Simultaneously, (but in another dimension…)

My wife decided that since she had never seen the movie I was playing, that she would stick around and clean the bedroom a bit, and maybe dive into her closet when I was done. The movie name would not be important, but it helps out my blog title a bit so I will toss it in. We were watching “I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.” It’s the one with Adam Sandler, Kevin James, and some girl….oh yeah…Jessica Siel…or something like that.

So an hour or so goes by and I hear something interesting. The dialog in the movie suggested that Miss. Biel was very scantily clad, and perhaps, about to have some kind of interaction with Mr. Sandler that could lean toward inappropriate. This struck me as interesting, but since I was busy in the closet, I qualified my next move with a simple question…

the flood gates“Honey, Is Jessica Biel half naked on T.V. right now?”

“Yup”, she said.

So guess what Charlie Einstein did next. That’s right, boys and girls, he got up off the floor, came out of the closet and watched ‘said’ movie scene. (probably with his mouth open) right in front of his wife.  He thoughtlessly got his man-fill, and then returned back to his closet to finish the Extreme Closet Makeover, Jerk-Off Edition. Never once thinking about his audience and the message he was delivering with his actions.

Now, I must add, my wife never flinched, commented, or made that sound when you press your lips together , shrug your shoulders, and blow out of your mouth like you are trying to pfffff out a candle. She just went on with her business and, and so did I.

It was not until hours later that I realized what I had done.

I just showed her that someone had my attention more than her, for that moment. I showed her that I might have an interest in someone other than her, for a split-second. I showed her that I might be comparing her to someone else, at times. I showed her that I might have ignored the fact that she was standing there, at all. I got concerned because I had no idea what was going on in her brain as she witnessed the mistake I made. (Plus you never can tell how big the “ball of fury” gets before it is unleashed on you like a pack of spider monkeys all hopped up on Mountain Dew.) So when I got to the point where I couldn’t rest without making it right, I talked to her about it.

awwwIt went something like this… (“X”=that stupid, thoughtless, and insensitive thing)

*****”Honey, I just want you to know that the other day when I did “X”, I was not thinking very clearly about what I was doing. Yes, my mind works like most guys minds do, but my love for you is like no other guy on earth could ever have for you. I will do my best to control “X” in the future, but if I don’t, and you ever feel the way that I think I made you feel, I give you permission to “call me on it.” You see, guys are kinda geared toward “X”, but you deserve more than a regular guy and I want to make sure that I do everything in my power to practice more respect, understanding, and love when it comes to the outward display of my feelings for you and our relationship. I love you more than anything or anyone in the world and I regret that you may have questioned that, even for a second. please forgive me”

So how often do you “come out of the closet” in your relationship?

What are you saying to your wife with the TV shows/Movies that you watch, the websites that you visit, or the magazines that you read? Where are your eyes when you are out at a club together, walking hand in hand at the mall, or making your second lap around Costco to get double the food samples illegally, together? Where is your heart when you have a choice to choose to fulfill your own selfish desires, or a chance to impress upon your wife that you are enamored by nothing else but the beauty she brings to your life and marriage?

duhI know that this is one of the hardest things for a guy to get control over. Most will use the excuse that they are “wired” this way and that there is nothing that they can do about being the way that they are. They gather in groups around water coolers and share inappropriate emails as they seek comfort from the masses. They disgrace what they have committed to, by not being true to themselves. All the while making excuses as to why they shouldn’t have to stop.

When all they have to do is be MAN ENOUGH to stop.

If you suck at this kinda stuff….read this.

If you are a guy, and you want to see the scene with Jessica that I was referring to…click here.

*****(I may not have been as eloquent as I portrayed during the apology part of my story, but I should have been. So here’s the do over Honey…I love you.)

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14 Responses to the day i came out of the closet

  1. His Girl says:

    Charlie, Complete transparency. Wow. Thank you.

    To the ladies who may read this. Remember that the Holy Spirit does amazing work and often times you just need to step out of the way and let Him do His work. We often may choose to step up and lovingly “correct” our man. There are times you may need to because you have been led by God to speak the truth in love. However, don’t if you just want to get back at Him. Be blessed.

    Great blog as usual Charlie.

  2. traci says:

    My first thought upon reading this is “You cannot possibly be as wonderful as you seem.” My second thought is “Holy buckets, there’s an almost perfect man!” My third thought is “Wow, your wife is a very blessed woman.” My fourth thought is “You are a very lucky man.”

    Plan B is to remind myself that even though my husband would never, ever, ever write something like this…he looks at me the same way Michael Douglas’ character in The American President looks at Annette Benning’s character in the same movie when he finally realizes how much she means to him, every single day…even when I’m shooting daggers at him over whatever his latest ‘transgression’ is.

    I believe you are a ‘gift’ Charlie my dear. To your wife, certainly. To me as well.

    Peace.

  3. Charlie says:

    …You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character. And wave an old photo of the President’s girlfriend and you scream about patriotism and you tell them, she’s to blame for their lot in life, and you go on television and you call her a whore. Sydney Ellen Wade has done nothing to you, Bob. She has done nothing but put herself through school, represent the interests of public school teachers, and lobby for the safety of our natural resources. You want a character debate, Bob? You better stick with me, ’cause Sydney Ellen Wade is way out of your league.

    I’ve loved two women in my life. I lost one to cancer, and I lost the other ’cause I was so busy keeping my job I forgot to do my job. Well, that ends right now…

    … We’ve got serious problems, and we need serious people, and if you want to talk about character, Bob, you’d better come at me with more than a burning flag and a membership card. If you want to talk about character and American values, fine. Just tell me where and when, and I’ll show up. This is a time for serious people, Bob, and your fifteen minutes are up.

    My name is Andrew Shepherd, and I “AM” the President.

    —Michael Douglas / “An American President” / 1995
    (arguably, one of the greatest love stories ever written from the perspective of a man)

  4. Charlie says:

    oh yeah…thank you for the kind words.

    My wife makes it very easy to love her that much. Even for a goof ball like me.

    Charlie

  5. Jamie says:

    Charles, I have been thinking pretty hard about how to respond to this blog.I feel the need to point out that while I understand the point in that you should always honor your wife above anyone or anything else, that it is okay to be a man as long as you remember that you are a MARRIED man. Would it be inappropriate to flirt with another person or let your eyes wander? Absolutely. Would you be insensitive if you made a silly comment about someone of the opposite sex? Definately. However, I feel you put more stress on yourself and your relationship if you put such strict boundaries on yourself. You can watch movies, read magazines, or listen to radio programs as long as the first and last thing on your mind is your wife. Fan wouldn’t get upset because you have by your actions the last 18 or so years shown yourself to be a devoted husband. She also knows that you got NO SHOT at Jessica Beil. :) Love to all of you guys!
    Jamie

  6. Mike Ash says:

    great vulnerability bro…

  7. Jayleigh says:

    You truly ARE the man. It takes someone who’s “not a regular guy” to admit it and apologize, and I totally respect you for that.

    Some girls at work were talking today about the Victoria’s Secret fashion show that would be on TV tonight. They were groaning about having to make sure their husbands were otherwise occupied because they didn’t want to see the show. I can’t speak as for my husband’s level of temptation, but I never have to worry about him being insensitive in that way and me seeing it. It’s just never happened.

    Something that did happen, and I can’t remember if I already told you about this or not, but something infuriating happened several weeks ago.

    I was leaving the room, and Rob practically shouted, “Beautiful!!!!!!!!” So of course I turned back around. He’d never done this before or since, and I wanted to know exactly what he was talking about, so that I could replicate it again sometime… because he’d never had such a strong reaction to my clothes or hair before.

    I turned around and Rob is GLUED to the TV, and was referring to a football pass. I think I didn’t talk to him for an hour, and then I let him know how depressed I was that I haven’t ever gotten that kind of response from him before.

    :-) He’s a man. And he loves football. And racing. And thankfully, ME.

  8. Jayleigh says:

    btw that’s one of my fave movies!

  9. imhelendt says:

    I’m wired wrong. I have to be. Because I don’t get this. I mean, I guess we’re both pretty secure in our marriage because if Steve did that, I wouldn’t think anything of it. And one time I made him rewind a naked scene of Will Smith in the shower four times. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him or he doesn’t love me, at the end of the day, we come home to each other. But we allow each other celebrity crushes. And Steve and I were friends for years before we were a couple, so if a woman with lots of cleavage walks by and I see him looking, I usually punch him or kick him under the table and we both crack up. He’s just looking. He can’t help looking. He’s not going to get up and leave me for that woman. And he’s not trying to be disrespectful. Men look. It’s what they do. If they don’t look, they’re gay. I can say that with absolute confidence. If they don’t look, they’re secretly gay. Sometimes they don’t even know they’re gay yet. Eventually they find out…. ;)

  10. Mike Ash says:

    I remember the first time that you tried to come out of the closet…

    We were in Atlanta…

    We were sharing a bed…

    You made your move and I shut you down…

  11. His Girl says:

    To Jayleigh I had to pick myself up off the floor after reading your comment on “beautiful”. LOL another football widow? To Mike Ash… same reaction. Good job on shutting him down. So needed the laugh today. Thank you both. And of course to Charlie for being their inspiration.

  12. traci says:

    Where, oh where, has Charlie gone?
    Where, oh where, can he be?
    With his ears cut short and his tail cut long,
    oh where, oh where can he be?

  13. bklatenight says:

    u stated that very well :)

  14. JunglesWife says:

    We should all be this sensitive when the Holy Spirit convicts us and so willing to humble ourselves by confessing “it” – even when we seemingly got away with “it.”

    Your prayers won’t be hindered!

    Very well written, too, by the way.

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