convincing women with beer and guns

top-secretThis one’s going out to all the ladies.

 

If you give me a few minutes and a few paragraphs I will take you on a journey into the deepest darkest corners of a man’s mind.  I may not actually reveal anything unbelievably profound, but I may validate your inability to explain what is and always will be, unexplainable about the inner psyche of a man.  Worse case scenario, you’ll know you’re not alone and that there are plenty of other women who stare dazed and confused at their significant other as they display the most questionable behavior ever imaginable.

 

It starts with a story about Steve.

 

Steve and I bought BB guns for our children, years ago.  Sort of a man’s “rite of passage” type-o-thing where we took our children out into the woods with a bag full of cans, pots, and pans and set them up in different areas to test their aim and dexterity with a firearm.  But just like everything else in parenting and childrening, what was exciting for a while for the kids, stopped being so.  This led to Steve and I escaping in the early weekend mornings, with the BB guns, without the kids, making believe we were kids again while the kids did what ever the newer fun thing was.

 

Now that I’ve given you what I think is an excellent reason for two grown men to be shooting BB guns in the woods at 7:00 AM, I can get to the point.

 

Picture Steve, in a perfect hunter’s stance, leaned up against a dead tree and taking aim at an unknowing Budweiser can approximately 100 feet ahead.  Now picture me to the right of Steve paying attention to his efforts as he pulls the trigger and releases his BB’s of destruction.

 

“Click”….DING!…:pump:

“Click”….DING!…:pump:

“Click”….DING!

 

I witnessed Steve fire off of three rounds of boy sized buckshot at that beer can with accuracy so precise that I questioned if he was in Dallas, Texas at 12:30 PM central standard time on Friday, November 22, 1963 when gunshots were fired from the book depository in Dealy Plaza.  The shots were amazing, Steve was statuesque in appearance, and the results were perfect.  The can was pronounced dead, and just to make sure of it, he laid those three rounds almost exactly the same spot in the can.

 

Then here’s where the unexplainable happens.

 

Steve says. “I can fix that”

 

He removes the covers from the sighting screws and starts twisting them with a coin that he pulled out of his pocket.  Steve lets me know that his site seems to be off a little bit and he is finding himself aiming high and to the left to achieve the desired result.  He’s going to make a few simple adjustments, get his site on center, and fix his current situation.  He does so with a few quick twists, leans up against that same tree, and fires off three more rounds…

 

“Click”…:pump:

“Click”…:pump:

“Click”…:pump:

 

That’s right, he missed everyone.  So Steve and I spent the next 15 minutes walking out of the woods and laughing our butts off at how much that experience helped define our roles as husband’s, fathers, and friends.

 

Why was it that hitting the can wasn’t good enough?

 

You see, in most cases it’s not the actual result that turns us on, it’s fixing things to get to results.  Men tend to define themselves by what they can do and not necessarily what they have done.  I think it has something to do with constantly proving yourself; to yourself.  That’s why a lot of men find themselves addicted to things like golf, playing sports, running, working out, shooting, tinkering with broken stuff, tinkering with stuff that’s not broken, etc.

 

Unlike women who prefer problem solving (foreplay) like hugging, listening, nodding, talking.  Men like problem solving (quickies) like the thinking, deciding, and acting.  You always hear women say that they don’t necessarily want you to solve their problems; they just want you to listen.  But that is an impossible task for most men.  If a man doesn’t try to give a solution he feels like he’s not being helpful.

 

It rubs against the grain of our DNA.

 

If we can pretend for a moment that Steve is everyman you have ever met, and see that his desire was not necessarily to get the BB through the can at 1000 feet per second. (These are really good BB guns).  But instead, to get the job done the way it’s supposed to be done.  Steve just wanted things set up the way they made sense.  Steve, just like most men, find tremendous comfort in common sense and order.  Most of all, we all just want to know that we still have the ability to figure out how to get things done, the best way possible.  And what better way is there to find out what the best way is, except by trying them all?

 

So do yourself a favor.

 

Always remember that the single most important thing all wives can provide for their husbands is recognition that they are men by the man’s definition of being a man. Don’t get me wrong if he starts to peel the drywall off the house because he wants to make sure it’s wired right, you may want a sit down and talk it out first.  But if you had a bad day at work or at home with the kids and you want to talk about it, allow him to give you his version of the solution.  And if you really want to blow up his heart, head, and chest, thank him for his advice and tell him you’ll try to remember that, if it ever comes up again.

 

The times in my marriage that my wife allows me to be a man like this always remind me of the importance of making her feel like a woman.  But those things rarely happen simultaneously because they involve two totally different points of view.  Now remember it can take up to twice as long to make two people happy as it does to make one person happy, so be patient.  Not to worry, “till death do us part” gives us a lot of time to practice.

 

I always get ridiculously disappointed when I hear someone in a relationship say “I’m not going to do “X” until he starts doing “Y”.  I have a better idea…  Practice being a spouse better than the one your spouse deserves.  Then, if they have one brain cell, they will try to spend most of their existence becoming a person worthy enough to be treated so well, by a person like you.

 

Finally, don’t get scared when everything in your relationship seems as good as it can get…

 

…and your man tries to jump in and fix it.

 

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5 Responses to convincing women with beer and guns

  1. Chantal says:

    Brilliant, Charlie. Thanks.

    Chantal :)

  2. Jessie says:

    so what you really mean to say is through the penis instead of the mind…cause I dont think men think with their brains. Actually, I know for a fact they dont.

  3. sarahkeller says:

    Great post Charlie!

  4. His Girl says:

    Loved it. I’m still trying to find one of your posts I didn’t care so much for. I guess I have to keep waiting. ;-)

  5. Gia Fiasco says:

    Fine, fine post, Charlie. It’s regretable the post by Jessie is as predictable as it was. For the record, let me set the record straight. Most men don’t think with their penises, Charlie proves it. Men are getting much better at communicating, period. The fact Charlie does so with clarity, even though the “man” concept of “fixing things” is not always understandable, It is what it is and if more women did as Charlie suggests, what the woman wants will likely follow. Simple concept, don’t muddy it up because of your prejudices, Jessie.

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